whatsername

This Friday night is:

me staying home...eating a bowl of cheerios....then rolling some more paint on the walls....watching it dry....

I might walk down to the bar for a few once I get those other things done...




This album I've been listening to these past 3 days is soooooooooo good!  I almost don't want to go to the bar unless they play this album on repeat.

You know what's weird?  Is everytime I get a new cd it reminds of of the time in my life when I got it.  And right now it reminds me of someone....he said he was impressed that I know the words to the songs...  (

"Spoken like the true single woman"..... 

In the last 365 days a lot has changed.  Not just with me, but also my friends.  As time goes on some of these friends are fading away.

-Some are not there when you really need their help....not because you're sad, but because your car is dead and you're fucking stranded.  
-(But it's OK for people to call me in the middle of the night when I'm fucking sleeping to ask me a question that I know the answer to because I'm a cop.....if I weren't a cop what would you have done? *GASP!* Maybe call 911??? because that's what I told you to do.)
-They don't make time for me...ever.  Looking back I realize how many times I've gone over to your place vs. the ONE time you actually stepped foot inside my place. (God, I wish that was an exaggeration)
-Even when there is some available time you don't answer your phone....or sometimes when you do you already have an excuse that you build on.  Not like I'm asking you to spend the rest of your life with me...and when was the last time you called ME up to try and do something....hmmm....many months ago.
-They never ever have money.  Not even a lousy three fucking dollars to go get a damned cup of coffee. They're up to their ears in debt is the excuse.
....But sometimes they might have money to go get shitfaced at the bar with their dope nose friends and wind up going home with some random person they've never met and fucking their brains out.  That's straight up classy...
-Julie never hangs out with just me...EVER.  Travis always has to be there....they are always together...I feel as though I've lost my best friend. And she's also lost herself.
-Or even better....when I get invited to go someplace and then a couple weeks after that, I get uninvited....I'm not an idiot. I know when someone would rather smoke some fucking dope than have a lifelong friend who is a cop join them. 
-Or how about when I begged someone NOT to smoke a blunt in the car while I was in it...I refused to go along if she were going to.  She swore she wouldn't....but then she did.  She obviously has NO CLUE how HARD I worked to get the job I have....and the fact that I'm on probation...which means I am sooooo expendable. And she wondered why I got furious.
-Make fun of me for the stupidest things and/or call me names or swearwords....you are so Goddamned lucky I never make fun of YOU for the things that I could....I could be so fucking rotten to you.....but I never ever have been because I loved/respected you...

I see how things are.  And you know what?  FUCK IT.
I'm tired of feeling like I have to try hard to be your friend to get a minute of your time or an ounce of respect.


It's not worth it.

You're not worth it.


I know friendships dwindle and fade over time....that's already happened between me and a lot of other friends I used to know.  That's just what happens as life moves forward.  Like when I dropped the world to move to TX....I'm dropping a little bit more now. 

Today I saved someone's life.  This girl was trying to commit suicide.  When we took the call it wasn't like some "oh God...the world is crashing down...we must save this individual!"  Usually a suicide call is someone who's merely making threats.   (my past experiences)
So we get there and I see 2 people standing there looking dumb founded.  I walk in and say "What's going on..." and then I saw the girl lying on the floor unconscious.  I was like "aww shit.."  I saw there were yellow pills all over the floor around her and she had dried saliva and pills stuck to her face...a couple pills in her mouth too.  So I got down on the floor with her...at that time my partner grabbed my radio and immediately called for an ambulance.  I noticed the girl had a belt strap very tight around her neck.  I undid the belt and took it off her and felt for a pulse.  There was a weak pulse.  Then I brushed the pills off her face, sat her up and then put a glove on and stuck my finger in her mouth to make sure there wasn't anything blocking her airway.  I kept saying her name and smacking her face to try and keep her with me.  My thought was "please don't die right here in my hands..." The two dumbasses standing around kept saying "Is she gonna make it? She gone be ah aite?"  I said "I don't know...go get some cold damp cloths for her face and neck."  (I wanted them to back the hell up) Then about 3 minutes after that DFD got there and revived her.  She was very combative...so she was restrained with hand cuffs and she was still yelling, screaming and kicking at the medics and officers.  So myself and another officer had to ride in the ambulance with her to the hospital and keep her restrained....she was a very strong little bitch...probably from the drugs she was on.

So that being sid I saved a life today.  I may or may not get a letter of commendation...or a life saving bar...or nomination for rookie of the year.   It would be sweet if I did get any of those...but regardless I know what I did and I feel kind of good about it now that it's all said and done. 
Really I just feel like I did my job. Maybe I'm just humble...I don't know.  I was called a hero by another officer. That's good enough for me.

It's a soggy day today in Dallas.  The heaven's are taking a big, long pee on this city.  Some funny things happen when it pours here.  The creek/river at E. NW Hwy and Lawther floods over the road...people drive too fast and wreck out (one car accidents are stupid)...and homeless people seek shelter where ever they can.  This morning we had to go to this Texaco because a homeless dude was sleeping in the car wash and refused to leave.  I pulled up into the entrance and laid on the horn...it was funny how he jumped!  (Got it all on video too)  Right after that I went inside the convenience store and told the clerk the bum was gone....but if he returns to start up the car wash and give that Helter Skelter lookin fella a good, free, ass-scrubbin. That ought to keep him out.

This job makes me so thankful for a lot of different things.  Looking at some people is just an instant boost for self esteem....especially seeing the females that wear a size 4 but should be in a size 12....them bitches look like a busted can of biscuits struttin around! hahaha!

I'm thinking I'm going to go to the gym for about an hour or so before I pack up more of this shit shack apt.  I'm almost done packing!  I also have to cancel the cable, get the final meter reading, change my address for everything....moving is such a pain in the arse!  I'll be signing the lease at my new place for 2 years.  Niiiiiiiice...

 Here's what's been going on since y last update:

Chris and I are not a thing.  He's a little (actually a lot) much for me and I don't have the interest or the patience to deal with someone like him.  Besides, I really don't want to date anyone right now.

My trainer is a fat, fucking disgusting, lazy, cocky, arrogant, condescending, "respect me cuz I'm police", one-upping fucking ASSHOLE!! He farts too much...and I fucking hear it even though he thinks I don't.  He picks his nose in the car all the damned time...and then touches stuff. SICK!! He gnaws on his bloddy nubbin nails...and that's sick considering his hands are in his fucking nostrils all the time AND police hands are usually dirty....we're always touching stuff. (the suds in the sink are always gray/brown). He eats SO MUCH!! He don't chew with his mouth closed....that's especially sick when he's eating an egg salad sandwich.  When he eats he eats MASS QUANTITIES and chews fucking loud too....you know how a pitbull or lab or other large dog sounds when it eats?  Yeah, that's Mike. My opinion is always WRONG. My taste in music is WRONG. Everything I say, do, think...is WRONG.  And he falls asleep all the damned time too.  He might be answering one of my questions and mid-sentence he'll just pass out.  I stare at him with this "you fucking cock sucker" look on my face and usually give him a hard shove.  I swear...one of these days I'm going to open the car door and shove his big ass out of the car and onto the road and keep on driving.  He's minimal in doing actual police work.  He only takes the calls we're dispatched on...and then bitches up a big huffy puffy fit about it. I like chasing dope, doing trafic stops, taking people to jail...he's a lazy fuck.

Last night and the night before I rode with Satan.  He's actually not that bad a dude....he likes to do work.  In 2 nights I made about 8 arrests...that's HUGE compared to what fatfuck likes to do. The other week we were cruising down greenville yelling at cabbies to get out of the road cuz it's not a parking lot.  When I was driving past the M street bar this blonde bitch flipped me off. Like she's some badass cuz she flipped off the police. Well guess what, cunt...that's disorderly conduct and I was about to slam her ass into jail or detox for PI....WELL Fatfuck wanted me to go to 7-11 so he could make a head call...and I could type up a report from a previous call...mother fucker.  By the time I got back to the bar the bitch was gone...but I did drive up on some underage PI little puke shoving with the bouncer outside.  I wanted in on it SO BAD!! But my fucking steer of a trainer got out and got to the kid before I could and had him slammed into a car and in cuffs before I even got around to the other side of the squad car.

I'm starting to be myself around this guy now.  The other night we had a call on a 46.  His comment to the Sgt was "this bitch better be almost dead by the time we get there."  He didn't want the call because he was hungry and wanted to go to Denny's.  When he made that comment I punched him in the shoulder and said "You're a fucking dick" and then I sped up to get to the call.  He must have liked that because now he's been a little more tolerable to me. He's been off the last 2 nights that I rode with Satan....he better want to do some work tonight...otherwise I'll stir some shit up...and I'm good at that.  AFter 2 very good productive nights I don't want it to stop.

Whew! That's enough about work...sometimes it's exciting as hell, I'll get an adrenaline dump and then not be able to sleep for a couple days (like that shooting and car chase that happened a few weeks ago). I love my job!

So...I'm moving into a highrise apartment downtown next week.  I'll be on the 27th floor. It's a rush being that high up at night in the city.  I need to invest in a good pair of binoculars so I can spy on people.  The other night me n my buddy were drinking and I swear I saw two people fucking in another building a block over. hehehe! good times...
My apt is really really nice. It's brand new and has a ton of super badass amenitiesthat usually the elite, financially well-off people get.  I'm not financially well-off but I do get a discount on the place for being DPD. Otherwise there's no way in hell I'd live there.  So I'm pretty stoked about moving. I have a lot to do in the next couple days to prepare.

I won't get to use any vacation time until the springtime after I get done with training.  When that happens I plan on flying up to MI.  I need to do some welfare checks on some family members...plus I miss Jelaine, Tara, Jay...it'd be nice to get away for a week or so.

 Chris and I decided not to move in together.  I did a little more thinking about it and I'm not ready to give up my independence and live with someone.  I like being able to watch tv in my undies or let the laundry pile up....or sometimes even let the kitchen get dirty. Plus, living with him would be weird.  I guess you could say we're a thing now.  Even that is odd for me.  I'm used to being single (and loving it!).  He gets along with my friends....they really like him too. Especially Travis....because they LOVE football.  Personally I'm not at all interested in the sport.  Julie likes him and so does my whiskey tango friend Shana.  Overall it's pretty cool.  I've never dated someone like him before.  

Tonight I get a new trainer at work.  From what I can tell he's got a good sense of humor.  He's a bigger guy...so that means I'm on my own when it comes to foot chases.  I hope he lets me take control.  My previous trainer is an oldhead and always took control away from me.  That got on my nerves.  I hope we do more than just answer calls.  Maybe get a major accident or some traffic stops....or even some good felony arrests!  I love chasing dope!  I hope he does too.  On deep nights it's either busy as hell or dead.  When it's dead I like to run people's plates and try to find stuff to do.  I hope he's proactive like that. 

It rained all night long and most of today.  I really hope it doesn't tonight.  I hate working when I'm soggy.

I've got a crush on someone.  He told me about a week ago that he's had a thing for me since this one night when a whole bunch of us went out.  Up until that night he and I rarely talked.  We'd joke about silly things but I never really "noticed" him.  Since that night we've been buddies.  We text back and forth a lot about a lot of things and about nothing.  He's a lot of fun to hang around.  He's funny, charming, likes country music and yes....he's very good looking. He's a country boy...former marine...lover of dogs (his chocolate lab puppy's name is Whiskey).  Anyway, a long time ago a couple of us talked about renting a house and rooming together.  Well the time has come and we're actually looking at this duplex on Wednesday.  It's a 2 bed/2 bath with a den, a fireplace and a one car garage.   It's a house that's actually 2 houses down from Julie.  It sure would be nice to live that close to her.
Anyway, I find myself thinking about him more often now.  Not so much fantasizing about him but just wondering what he's up to.  We've got conflicting schedules...I work deep nights at Northeast he works 2nd watch at central.  Tonight we were supposed to go out to Weatherford and have dinner with his parents...but that didn't happen.  Instead he drove out here and hung out with me and Shana.  He's realized that she's a whiskey tango....and she is.
So we're going to move in together.  Ok...having a roomate is cool.  I guess I'll just keep this crush to myself and not act on it.  We haven't kissed or anything...and it's nice.  I'm attracted to him physically and also to his personality.  We click pretty well.  And I especially like how even though he has a thing for me he hasn't made a move on me...it shows he respects me. Nice.

An-te-way....so I have a crush on him.
He was wearing flip-flops tonight.  Guys' feet are usually hideous.  But his are VERY nice.  I've never seen a man with such nice feet.

Ok...that's enough out of me...time to get ready for work.

Today we got tased. I think I can speak for everyone in my class that we all have a new respect for the taser. 

Some people had the probes shot into their back or buttocks.  Other had one probe in their back and then had the gun drive stunned into their back to complete the circuit.  The rest of us got proned out on our stomachs and held hands.  I made sure I was in the middle of the group so I didn't have the alligator clips on me....that was the most painful spot.

When we were proned out....there were 6 of us in my group.....the current travels the fastest easiest path to complete the circuit.  So the current went through our arms and chest mostly.  Hot damn!  It felt like nothing I've ever felt before in my life!  Your muscles tense up and you don't have control of them.  Ours legs kicked and twitched, people's back arched and people yelled and cursed.  It wasn't the worst feeling in the world but it sure sucked!  It felt like a strong current, painful deep within the muscles that wouldn't stop.  We rode the lightning for 5 seconds.  Anyone that gets tased will go to the ground.  And they will comply with what you tell them....or else they'll get another shock.  When I felt it I screamed....and I didn't know I have such a set of lungs.  My scream was so high pitched and loud that it drowned out the other people in my group.  Someone told me I sounded like an opera singer. HA!

The good thing about taser is that when it's over, it's over.  You don't get all twitchy or anything.  When it stops it's almost like the biggest sigh of relief ever.  Like you had the hardest orgasm of your life...it felt that good when it was over.  No one nutted....but whew!

Right now I am at Shana's place.  She went to some artsy farsty party and is nice enough to let me chill here and do some laundry.  Plus I didn't want to stay at home.  Someone in my building cooked something very pungent and my apartment stinks to high heaven.....ew. I wish people didn't cook.  Why do people cook the stinkiest ethnic foods?  GAWD!

So here I am...chillin with a smoke and a vodka redbull cocktail in a loft overlooking Mockingbird station.
I think I can honestly say I'm living a fucking awesome life.

What else is new.....hmmm. I cut my hair.  It was long.  Almost to the middle of my back.  Now it's to my shoulders and layered.  Very cool...I can still pull it up in a ponytail for work but I can also style it.  I got so sick of long hair.  Lookin all stringy.  Some people were like "waaaahhh....why'd you cut it?!"  Because my hair grows like a damn weed.

I found out which station I'm going to.  I got the station I chose. YAY!  But I'm going to move soon.  I work the same area I live in and I don't want to have to deal with doing something off duty like grocery shopping and seeing someone I arrested a few nights before and they see me and be like  "fuckin bitch you arrested me!"
That would not be bueno.

All is well.  I'm happy and got a lot to look forward to.

My heart is a little bit cracked.  Not quite broken, but it's hurting.  I'm trying to convert that pain into resentment.  It's easier to get over being mad than it is sad. For me anyway.

It was a shock.  He went from being all about me to all of a sudden just friends. I'm talkin about blowing up my phone everyday and making random comments about the future wanting his hugs wanting to know what I was thinking and oh my gosh....I think it's safe to say he was very much in to me. But unfortunately bad things happen to good people and some bad shit went down at work and he caught the brunt of it.  It put some fear in to him. And unfortunately for me I got lumped in with a negative stereotype.  He should know me well enough by now to know that I am NOT a bad person, that I don't broadcast all of my business to the people I work with.  I'm much smarter than that.  IF anyone knows how to take something to the grave it's me....because I've got some secrets.
He broke it down to me that if people on the dept knew about us I would be heavily scrutinized and looked down upon for being in a relationship with a black man.  I might be disrespected. And I will be marked.
What the fuck ever.
I keep my personal life and professional life very separate...because if I didn't it would drive me mad. If people asked me if I have someone in my life I would simply answer yes and that I prefer to keep it to myself.  If people found out I was with a black man and they judge me for that....power to them.  I don't give a fuck what people think about me.  If they want to judge me negatively that's fine....because that's how God will judge them when their time comes.
He was cleared by the chief the other day. Free and clear and he has a new job in a new division and he's going to rock at it.  I'm glad he got rightfully deserved justice.
So part of me thinks that now that this is blowing over and he has time to cool off and not be so worried, if he really truly liked me they way he said he did and behaved in such a way that he will call me back.  You can't just turn feelings off like that.
But then again the other, more wiser and less hopeful part of me thinks he won't call back.  He was running game on me.  He is incredibly sexy, got beautiful eyes, a perfect gorgeous smile, a tight and strong body...his arms are big and I loved having them wrapped around me. I felt very safe with him. He knew all the right things to say and he was very attentive to me.  He was affectionate, flirty and hilarious and so much fun to be around.  He did all the chasing when he knew from the get go that I didn't want a relationship. We didn't have any problems. Sounds too good to be true, right?  It was short lived and I enjoyed every minute of it.

I miss him bad.  It's been a week now and my feelings are coming in waves.  At times I don't care and other times I'm very down.  This is the first weekend of us not being together.  I have so much time on my hands now I'm like...what do I do with myself?  I've been hanging around Shana and Julie a whole lot, but I feel like I'm wearing out my welcome fast.  Shana is fun but she's got a whole load of drama that I really don't want to hear about because she doesn't make the appropriate changes to better herself. Instead she mopes and wonders why things have been so hard for her. I know exactly why things are so hard for her, damn it.  But she doesn't listen. Plus she's been drinking and smoking too much. And Julie is with Travis. They live together and do everything together.  It's pretty much impossible to get any time alone with her.  I'm always the 3rd wheel.

So yeah, things kind of suck right now in my personal life.
Work is work and I'm almost done at the academy.  I'm so ready to be out of there.
I've been sick with a bad cold the last 3 days.  I feel much better today though.

Everytime my phone makes a sound and I look to see it's not him it's quite a bummer.

So we all got maced last week. Sweet Jesus it was the most painful  thing I've ever experienced! I was sprayed around 1:30-2:00 or so and my face and eyes were still on fire well past 9:30.  We each sprayed our DT partners....stood in front of each other arms extended touching fist to fist.  Then the parnter sprayed with their arm fully extended aiming directly in our eyes.  It's a shock at first....it's a sudden burn...like you think you're face is melting off and you're eyes have liquified and are pouring out of the sockets...and you gag...you can breathe/gasp, but it's such a shock to your system that you have to mentally tell yourself to keep going even though your body is freaking out.  In order to see the suspect you literally had to pry your eye open with your non gun hand.  Even still, it was a struggle to pry that sucker open and your vision is temporarily completely fucked up.  Plus it was in the high 80s to low 90s...sun beating down on us, pores wide open....oh man! I will never forget that afternoon.
I passed the test though...I shot the suspect and then fought my partner for a minute or two....then I stuck my face in the fountain in the parking lot and planted my ass in front of a fan to cool off my face.  It took about 30 minutes before I could even open my eyes half way.

We went in to uniform today.  It's pretty cool how wearing the uniform makes me feel....I actually felt like police.  Everyone's chest kind of puffed up a little bit today.

So the man I'm sort of seeing was over last night....he asked me how long we've been talking/seeing each other.  I was like..."uh...I don't know. " He said he was thinking about it on his way home from work.  I didn't know guys think about that kind of stuff.  Some of the things he's said leads me to to think some things....don't feel like going in to it.... but so far I like the way things are.

An old face will be passing through town this weekend.  I've agreed to a drink...we'll see how that goes.  It'll probably be cool.  I haven't seen him since January of 2006.  I haven't told my "friend-friend" about it yet....maybe I will, maybe I won't.